Just a little bit of alcohol

guys I'm kidding...we don't have a title. But i might be a little intoxicated.

I stare blankly at the sky. Today, I saw a post that says manna fell from heaven, Lucifer too...(:Paraphrasing.. you know what? I’ll just attach the screenshot.

‎The truth is we never know what we'll get so a part of me hopes for my opening line to fall from heaven...and guess what? I think it just did.

‎Hi my friend. It's the dead of the night. I'm spread out on grass, laid up on my back. At this point, I might just become one of them. I'm excited to know what it feels like to not only have the colour of Earth but be privileged to feel like it. Well it's all fun and games until anything decides they've had enough of me invading their privacy and sting the excitement out of me. I hope you're not concerned about me being out this late because yeah, I'm weird like that.

‎I don't know how I feel saying this but I miss weird noises from my house. The loudness of the crickets behind my window that was once a constant reason for me to get irritated and not get enough sleep is now something I closely associate with home.

‎I know you haven't asked but the urge to enter into oneness with the earth is pretty unusual, likely stemmed from the overwhelming presence of boredom. I often tell myself that I am the colour of Earth. Honestly, I am. But is that enough reason to make weird late night decisions like “this”? I guess we never can tell.

‎Right now, I give it a second thought and realise that craving oneness with the earth might also translate to being sandwiched nine feet under it and I promise you, that's not what I mean....c’mon, pretty girls aren't suicidal.....just kidding but I'm not.

‎I almost can hear nothing. Like I'm existing alone. Reality check, I am existing alone.

The loneliness I dreaded and thought I left inside has somehow found its way out and crept on to me again. I might not know a lot of things but these past few weeks, I've recognised the feeling of being alone too much that I can tell it apart from anything else. It’s not a scent yet it smells and clings to you so strongly....like a companion, the one you don't have.

‎This is supposed to be an attempt to escape from my shell but it feels like I literally just switched locations... It’s very hot but the breeze is changing that. A win is a win so my friend, let me tell you a story about my journey into loneliness.

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‎When you don't seem to find yourself anymore and no matter how much you search, there isn't a trace of you left. What do you do?

‎I like to relate loneliness to grief ... it's almost not relatable, no emotional toll is quantifiable. Some say one is an aftermath of the other but I stand to oppose. I think that just like grief, loneliness is a process...it probably starts from weird choices that you make.

‎"I don't like hanging out" and I promise you, I don't either.

‎"I just love being alone" okay.... But love is a strong word and "just"? That sounds like extremity.

‎We end up so immersed in ourselves, so used to shells no one confined us into because we choose to.

‎In this world where over half of the people you experience daily have journeyed so far or are on their way into madness, it is understandable to stick to yourself for sanity.... there's now herd immunity against sanity so you might get infected.(:with insanity)

‎When you're so into yourself, you start to lose yourself and when you do, it's a struggle...to wake up not recognizing the person that you have become....to not a trace of you left.

‎Growing up, I had a "main-character" syndrome... I'll tell myself that life is a movie and everyone around is here for the plot...and maybe someday, they would disappear...what would happen if the whole world disappeared and I was left alone? I can't really say if this is a good or bad thing....I don't know what exact role this mode of thinking has played in my becoming but it taught me independence...to be quiet when I could ask for help, to struggle when someone could easily do it for me because what if one day they are all gone and I am now left alone?

‎So talking of vanishing without a trace...

‎The unspoken grief of broken relationship and trust leaves a rift, a shallow space you'll be unsure anyone can ever fill..

‎If I took the risk and incurred all of the loss, it's obviously not for someone like me.

‎After my friendship broke up, I just knew I was at the end of it all...no more promises, no more optimism, no more hangouts, no more parties or sleepovers and most importantly no more petty fights. Now that I look back what is life really without petty fights?

My friend and I, for anonymity let’s call her Tade. We were best of friends….It is in moments like this that I regret not paying attention in English class because, emphasis on “best friends” and “were”. Unfortunately, I’m bad with “STRess”

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We were the kind of friends that people mistake for sisters. Wore same dresses, used same fragrances, we were so in sync…Our lifestyle, our goals aligned and we were doing just fine. This is not your regular story. We had only been friends for two years but it seemed like Tade was “home” by that, I probably mean the sister I never had. I used to be a very big fan of female friendships and when I finally had a best friend, it was answered prayers for me.

Let’s take a rewind to when I first met Tade. Honestly, if I were a guy I’d call it love at first sight. We met in a supermarket ..Cliche right? I know. I was shopping some personal care products and I had subconsciously left one of the bags containing the things I got while I was expressing my frustration on how they didn’t have my signature scent in stock. She’d handed it back with a smile which was very beautiful. We talked for a while and she also mentioned how she used to be just like me until she found another shop that sold the exact same scent I was causing a fuss about. She offered that we went together and that was the start of a “beautiful” (I don’t mean to be a party pooper but:) ,”short lived” friendship. I know you think two years is not short…well, I say it is, so it is.

Tade and I quickly bonded over scents…we had similar favourites and hobbies. We ended the day by eating out. She was such a vibe and I knew for sure I wanted to be friends with her….Well, I was. That was how a random conversation with someone from the supermarket over “perfumes” evolved into “two years long” friendship.

I’m starting to ease up a little bit but I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I have fun writing to you.

I had only just recently given my life to Christ when I met Tade. I wasn’t doing much. I was trying my best to keep up because I didn’t really feel stable enough to leave the life I knew so I tried to do it a step at a time…For instance, I used to frequent the club every week ends but by now, I only went once every fortnight. At first, Tade didn’t care much about it. She was already a “firm” believer and I constantly assured her that I’ll grow like her.

I randomly hear people pass comments like

“The fastest way to end a friendship is by becoming roommates with your friend”

And it was funny…Like what could possibly go wrong?

Tade had just landed her first remote job through a company I had linked her with. She was so excited and decided that her salary increase was a cue that her status had changed and because of that we shouldn’t be on the mainland anymore. Ridiculous? No, if you ask me. I had money but maybe not enough to pay rent on the Island when I have a perfect and affordable house. After a lot of debating and weighing risks, we decided to contribute monthly towards the rent of a house on the island. Great idea? Yeah, I know. We paid for six months upfront and moved in.

In these months, things will take a drastic turn in our relationship.

First, we had arguments about who to do the cooking, then the cleaning and other petty stuff….Before you judge, yeah these are really unreasonable arguments but with Tade they were inevitable. We had a timetable and the main purpose it was meant to serve was “order”…Her thinking she could not do what she was meant to and get away with it was something I could never tolerate no matter how I tried…I mean I once tried to overlook it but then she left it all for me….Me? If you know me, I love justice for anyone including myself so I couldn’t stomach it.

Except from the random fights(:which I hear is really common amongst sisters by the way), things went well. Living in the same house with Tade was the nudge, the extra push I needed to take my spiritual life seriously. I’d even go to church with her on Sundays on the Mainland.

I found a community of people that were young and had similar interests as me and it was simply amazing. I started looking forward to church programmes and even started finding it easy to not do the things I used to do before. I made a lot of friends and in the third month of attending church, I was the head of a unit already. I didn’t know that somehow, I was overstepping my boundaries and heavily upsetting Tade…

We lived normally in the house even though we were already starting to drift apart because we were constantly nagging at each other.

The church was organizing a youth summit and everybody was trying to make it work. There were a range of activities that’d particularly entice youths, lined up.. Everybody was looking forward to it and contributing their own quota.

The youth pastor jokingly said

“the next Ibquake is in this church”

He asked that if we were interested in a spoken word presentation, we should submit scripts…. I was excited. We all know this is my thing right? Of course. I shared my excitement with Tade. She even encouraged me. I shared my idea with her and even gave her my script to read before handing it to the pastor. So tell me why the pastor announced two weeks after “thorough scrutinization” that Tade would be doing the presentation?

Tade does not write. It didn’t make sense to me. She knew how much I needed that opportunity and how much effort I put into it. I got home and confronted her about it. You know what she had to say?

“the sky is large enough for every bird to fly”

excuse me? I know it’s large but we all are not flying in the same direction…It was obviously something she did to attack me. I was not going to let it go so I said some hurtful things about how she’s not even a writer and how did she manage to get a piece that the pastor thought was better than mine. Apparently, she’d used ChatGPT.

Tade reminded me of who I was …I was a stray cat that only recently just found my way back…Why did I think I was worthy to do things like that in the presence of people who had been in church all their lives?

She said faith comes by hearing and hearing of the word…I’d not heard enough so what made me think I could pour?

“What living waters can flow out of your belly, you yourself how many have you drank”?

It was that night that all hell was let loose…It was the last straw that broke both of our “camels” back…I realised that my growth in church was only a threat to my friend. I was stupid to think that was what she’d wanted for me all along.

By now, it was only four months of living together and we’d paid for six. I apologised to Tade and she said she was sorry too. She went ahead with the presentation and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would. It was evident that everything changed from that night. That there was nothing to salvage of our friendship and we were barely tolerating each other as roommates until the six months duration finally elapsed.

After then, I moved out. We don’t talk anymore….we don’t even see.

AHHH

One organism don finally sting me….it’s a black ant😭

After the encounter with Tade I’ve totally cast out and bound any ideas of friends..

Just like that I became an “introvert” If you ask me, I’ll say it’s going okay but it really isn’t. Some days, I just miss myself.. I miss all the things I’ve had curated on my bucket list…I miss all the fun.

My friendship story may sound so casual but it was so heartbreaking for me. I’m learning to give myself chance again, to give people chance again. I mean at the end of the day, Tade is probably somewhere on the island not spread out across the nations of the earth(:Everyone is not Tade)

Tade was instrumental to the journey of my becoming with Christ so again, there is a time assigned to every man. Maybe when it’s time for someone to leave, they’d do anything just so they leave because yeah, all righteousness must be fulfilled. And Tade if you’re reading this, you’re definitely stalking me. Why?.......Yo, I’m kidding. No hard feelings okay?

Goodnight guys…